Storytime presents: How to Get the Best Sleep of Your Life (surgery update)

As promised, this is the story of my surgery experience. FYI, no details will be spared, no matter how gruesome or sarcastic. However,  before anything else is said I would like to give a big shout-out to my family, who have been absolutely amazing in their help, support, and encouragement through these difficult days. Yet, no person has been more amazing than my mom, who is the best nurse in the world. I thank God for her and hope that all you surgery patients out there have had someone half as loving and caring to take care of you. Now, where was I? Oh yes, the story.

Look at that perfectly centered title! As you can see, I was home-schooled. Be jealous.;P

How to Get the Best Sleep of Your Life

It all started bright and early on a foggy morning, August 16th to be exact. I was pulled from my peaceful slumber at the ungodly hour of 7:00 a.m., so that I could check in to the hospital on time. There was no breakfast for this patient.:( My entourage and I arrived early and immediately began signing our lives away on papers that were whisked by so fast that we didn’t even have time to read them. As soon as we finished signing gobbledy-goo they made us pay them a hefty fee for their services. However, once the staff had been paid, they instantly came to life as the sweetest people you have ever met. We were immediately shown to a comfortable, if not cozy, private room. It was here that I would wait to be torn open and recover from being torn open. Hey, at least it had a TV!;) This hypnotic device thrilled us with amazing feats of human skill. These feats included but were not limited to female and male athletes running their legs off for a medal that may or may not be made out of gold, and men jumping off a springboard to their possible watery demise for the same (the Olympics). Three hours later, after nurses had peppered me with even more personal questions, and drained my life blood into little tubes, I was called back to the prep room. There was no lunch for this patient.:( In the prep room I was given a lovely addition to my ugly as homemade soap hospital gown, a shower cap. It was bright blue. And itchy. My mom offered on many occasions to document this height-of-fashion look into the embarrassment hall of fame, however, I graciously refused. We waited in the prep room for another hour. Have I mentioned that you cannot eat or drink after midnight before surgery. My stomach was eating itself at this point. Come on people, fix my hand so that I can get back to the wonderful world of eating, cooking, eating, baking, eating, and blogging about what I eat.

Finally my name was called, an IV was inserted into my good arm, and I was wheeled over to the dark side. The last thing I remember before I blacked out was the assistant anesthesiologist slapping a mask on my face and alerting me that ‘sleepy medicine’ was coming my way. I woke up really close to the nurse’s station, feeling like I had been through the shredder. Eventually I was wheeled back to my cute little recovery room. There I downed three cups of apple juice in an hour. It was not even close to enough to satisfy my parched throat. My throat felt like I had swallowed a mixture of sandpaper and chicken grit. At long last we made it home, and after a long day in the hospital, let me tell you, I was so happy to have my family around me once again. By early this morning I was missing those numbing drugs, but not enough to go back to my lovely aforementioned costume and recovery room.

As you can see, I’ve been upgraded to this bad boy. I know that you all are super jealous of this killer orange spray tan. Not. That’s betadine by the way.

20160816_201149 20160816_201245

The moral of this story: with general anesthesia, you too can get a good night’s sleep, a parched throat, and an empty stomach.

Disclaimer: Using this product may result in dizziness, nausea, grogginess, weak limbs, and awakening with an orange skin tone. 

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